Just sharing a little bit about my journey with Jesus…

Just sharing a little bit about my journey with Jesus…

A few years ago, I thought of 3 words that would guide me in how I live my life…Focus, Courage and Connect.

I want to focus first and foremost on Jesus, the Cross, his grace and love, his truth and His kingdom. I sometimes get distracted, I guess most of us do from time to time. And I think maybe when we get older, we have more things to distract us. People can lose focus of what really matters. Some people who were passionate lose their zest for him. They forget their first love. And I want to never ever lose focus. Not even for a day, or an hour. I know it’s impossible to be that focussed, but I wanna try. And I know that it is not by my own strength or concentration or willpower that I do it, but by his faithfulness, for he is my strong tower, and there’s an old song that’s very meaningful for me, because it says “Abba Father, let me be yours and yours alone. Never let my heart grow cold, never let me go.” It reminds me that even when I stray, it is God the shepherd who leads me back to the right path. It is his hand that holds me fast, even when I feel like I’m tossed by the wind.

And when I focus on Christ, then the world grows dimmer…though I still struggle with the temptations of the world, I gain the kingdom perspective. “He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world.”

I also want to focus upward instead of inward. I have often struggled with pride. I have a big ego. I think too much about myself. People usually think of pride as thinking too highly of oneself. A bible study leader once helped me to realise that pride is just “I” in the centre. And when we think too much about our self, that’s pride. Even if it’s the opposite view of thinking of ourselves as being too useless and good-for-nothing. When we look at our own inadequacies and failures, or our strengths and talents without seeing it from God’s perspective. When we think that God is not able to use us in our weak areas. Or when we think that God should use us in certain areas that we feel good in. Whether it is relying on ourself when things are going well, or when we refuse to hand it over to God when things are not going well. They are both prideful attitudes.
Some aspects of my personality, such as stubbornness and an independent/rebellious streak always hinders me in focussing on him. I know this weakness is still there, because the moment I think that I’ve overcome it, will be the moment that I have false humility again. Yet I am encouraged by Paul’s confession “For when I am weak then I am strong”.

I have a lot of desires. I’m probably a pretty ambitious person compared to the average person. I’m not sure if it’s innate or if it was my environment that has shaped this aspect of me. I’m competitive, I like to win. I get very envious of others who are doing better than myself. I love the feeling of being on top. And to be honest, I was and still am the kind of person who’s not bothered if others get hurt. I can be very cold and cruel. Yet when I get to know the heart of Jesus more and more, then I’m challenged to be more like Him. And his Spirit works in me to have compassion, even though there are times when I still think “Who cares?” The Bible also inspires me because it’s so full of real people. For example, Paul, who persecuted the followers of Christ before he himself became a follower. I can identify with that, and whenever Satan attacks me by saying that I can never change, and when fear seizes me with thoughts of my sinfulness and that my salvation might not be “real”, I focus on the cross, and the power of Christ. For doubting my salvation is doubting his power to overcome sin and death. There’s no sin too terrible, no sinner too wretched. Satan has already lost the war. And though I still face battles, they are winnable, when I focus on the victory at the cross and the empty tomb. That though His Spirit convicts us of our sin, and as we know Him more and more, we become more sensitive to his promptings, we are also freed from the guilt that Satan uses as a weapon to immobilise us from living a victorious life. (Romans 8 There is now no condemnation…)

Another side of me is my perfectionist attitude. Of wanting the best, of having high expectations. It’s probably not a bad thing in itself, as I have realised that people around me who settle for second best lose out. They may not realise that there’s more to life than just this life. From young I’ve always longed for perfection, and with that yearning, I’ve also realised that: one, this world, including myself, is not perfect; and two, this desire for perfection in me must come from someone who is perfect, that is, God. So this desire for perfection and all that is good and beautiful motivates me to search for that ideal. Yet it also distressed and depressed me greatly because it was the work of my conscience in comparing the perfect standard of the Law (though I didn’t know it by that name then) to condemn my shortcomings, my sin. I do pity those who don’t have this urge in them to seek perfection, because in my case, it was how God got my attention. When people don’t seem to understand that self-help will never work, because on our own, we can never reach that level of perfection. Many are seduced, lured by this falsehood, and lulled into a false sense of hope, and optimism. From my observation, even many who claim to follow Christ have never felt that sense of despair of their own helplessness. They seem to have only chosen the best option, rather than the only option. And that though it may sometimes appear at the start that we choose to seek God, that in reality, He first chose us. That we could never have believed in the gospel of Christ if His Spirit had not convicted each one of his wretchedness in sin. And so I pray for those who don’t see the need for repentance, for they are self-sufficient, and in that contentment of their own “goodness” they miss out.

The down side of this striving for perfection is that, I too often fall back into a legalistic mindset. I become critical and have a harsh judgemental attitude. I also do a lot of comparing, and when I seem better than others, I get proud, and when I seem worse than others, I get upset. And even when I think that I’m doing OK, deep down I know that it’s not good enough. And again, the temptation to give up as things seem hopeless and difficult on the journey is quite real. And that’s why I need to focus again on the wonderful reality of God’s promises and His character. And to deepen my understanding of God’s grace, because I myself am so lacking in this quality toward others.

However, focussing on God is all well and good, but there’s also a trap that I’ve faced in that I start thinking that this great personal relationship between Jesus and me is a special private one. Because nobody understands me the way Jesus does. I just want him to myself. When people don’t understand how important he is to me, I keep it a secret. That way, they don’t make fun of my Jesus relationship. Even people in church don’t experience him the same way I do. And because I have been hurt by people in church in the past, I’ll just stick to Jesus who is perfect and will never hurt me. I want to just go somewhere far away and be like a monk/nun and just contemplate the beauty of the Lord in his temple all the days of my life. Anything wrong with that?

Is this a selfish desire? As I l travel along my journey in life, I have done that. I thought having God was enough. I was saved, and God loves me. I didn’t need other Christians, because they’re not god, and they’re not perfect, they don’t understand me, they’ve got annoying personalities, and sometimes I disagree with them. I see their weaknesses and sinfulness and it makes me stumble. Better to just focus on God and avoid the messiness of the world, including other believers.
Just Jesus and me. I even wished that I could die quickly, cos there’s nothing to live for in this world. It’s a sinful world that’s going to be destroyed and we’re getting a new heaven and new earth anyway. But gradually I realised that God wants to mould us to be more Christ-like, so we’re on earth to go through trials and training. So then I thought OK, just grin and bear it. Think positively of the difficulties as a blessing in disguise because God uses them to make us pure like gold in the refiner’s fire.

So even though focussing on God is the most important thing, it is not the only thing. Getting to know Jesus more means getting to know what makes him happy, and loving him means doing what makes him happy. It’s all well and good to want to know about him more by reading the Bible, and deepening our relationship by talking to him often, but the difficult thing is that I also need to learn to listen to him more and after listening, to obey. Again, this is His Spirit working through various ways, be it the Bible, circumstances, other people (even if they’re annoying!).

And when He speaks, I need to take heart. Courage comes from the Old French “corage” which comes from the Latin “cor” which means heart. I need to have heart. I am the very opposite of that. I have many many fears. I honestly consider myself a coward. I also lack heart in that I don’t have enough love. And I believe the two are linked. Love overcomes fear. 1 John 4.

I need to connect with people. Both Christians and non-Christians. I used to challenge my mother when she told me “No man is an island”. I didn’t believe her, wanted to prove her wrong. To me, it was about asserting my individuality and independence. I’ve always felt like an outsider, I’m too different. Nobody understands me, and nobody is quite like me. I wasn’t a loner, I had a circle of “friends” at school, and church, but the relationships were very superficial. Or at least it felt shallow to me. I couldn’t voice my innermost thoughts, opinions or ideas. I felt like an alien n many ways, people didn’t have the same interests, desires, values. It’s also very hard for me to connect because I give up easily. I don’t really have the dedication that some people have in investing in relationships. When I was growing up, I observed that my parents, especially my mother, didn’t have any friends. And so, the social aspect of life was de-emphasised in my upbringing. I have few friends, and I am a friend to very few people. Or at least what I consider a friend. It may well be that there are more people who care for me than I realise. I have little faith in humanity. And when I meet a person who is what I look for in a friend, I’m always amazed at God’s mercy and providence. Sometimes I wish I could get closer to someone, but usually it doesn’t happen because of various reasons. Maybe I value the friendship more than the other person, so they have other higher priorities, eg. Other friends or family, and/or that they are not interested in deep relationships.

Yet all this comes from my own perspective of relationships and connecting. But when I get to know God more through His word, I realise that I need to have a kingdom perspective of relationships. That it’s not about me and what I can get out of a relationship, rather, it’s about obedience and servanthood, about giving, encouraging and blessing others. Of building up God’s church, and being an ambassador for Christ. And it’s about love in action. I could sit on a mountain and ponder all the mysteries of God, but my faith would be dead. I would not be bearing fruit. And even as I strive to become more Christ-like, to develop myself, it must also have an impact to people around me, like salt in food. Connecting means I am a tool of God. Mother Teresa said she was like a pencil that God’s hand holds to write. How can a lamp be hidden under the bed? I mustn’t be afraid of the ridicule of people, even though I think it would hurt me more if they mocked my beloved Saviour than me. He himself bore the insults and false accusations for the sake of those same people, souls that are condemned by sin to the punishment of death. I was one of those, but Jesus loved me even before I knew him, and I need to see all others through Jesus eyes. No matter how annoying, loathsome or undeserving. For there is none who is deserving.

And through the body of Christ, I have learned many things, even though sometimes the individuals are still very trying (like any normal family, the family of Christ has its quirky characters and trying personalities too!) I have also learned not to despise the weaknesses in others, for it is through them that God can reveal His strength. I can see how real God is through the lives of fellow believers as we all walk through our days together. So even when I feel other Christians are letting me down, I need to forgive and love them for that is how the world knows that we are followers of Christ, through the love we have for one another. How important is that! We are the testimony of Christ, the walking, talking display and proof of His love for mankind. When I connect, I can also be an encouragement to others who are struggling in their journey, and to remind those who are sleeping to wake up.

To conclude, I still have much to learn in being bold, in reaching out and loving the unlovable, in trusting the Lord to work through me, and looking to Him always, my source and my goal. He is the reason for my being, and the reason I live is Christ. Not just existing in the dreary existence that this world tries to deceive us with, but to live an abundant life, of training to run the greatest race ever, of sowing, watering and harvesting the greatest field ever, throwing in my net and catching the most valuable fish, and equipping myself for the greatest fight ever. This is life, this is becoming a disciple of Christ, the greatest Master ever. And at the end of it, I am assured of the promise of the best party ever and the greatest rest ever. God is good. Hallelujah!

I’ve been getting a lot of messages about standing firm lately. And it is always a good reminder to keep alert and to press on.

There’s a song Pass It On that exhorts us to keep the flame burning. Let your flame not grow low, let it burn bright, and keep adding oil to your lamp, for we do not know when the groom will come, but the parable of the ten virgins is a message to stand firm. to be watchful and yearning for the day of the Lord that will surely come soon.